My boyz are growing up (and up and up and ....)

Both my boyz are going to be tall.  That has never really been in doubt.  With hubby just under 6'1" and myself at 5'8" and both of the boyz over 9 lbs at birth, we just knew they were going to be big. 

Now Joe has hopefully stopped growing at 6'3" (but maybe not since he went through his growth spurt late) and when I took Alan to the doctor earlier this week he is 5'7".  So within the next year I will be the shortest one in the family.  (I have been the lightest weight for over a year, but that is another story!)

And while their physical growth has been fascinating for mom to watch, it is their emotional maturity that is the subject of today's blog post.

The boyz have both AMAZED me just this past week.

First off, there's Joe.  I took him to the psychiatrist yesterday and he told the doctor that although he frequently had trouble understanding what people meant when they said or did certain things, most of the time I could explain their motivations to him.  Now maybe that doesn't sound like much to the outsider, but that is huge around here. 

Joe is one stubborn kid.  He is always convinced he is right even when you clearly prove him wrong.  As the parent from whom he inherited most of his stubbornness, I can vouch for this!  We usually butt heads on almost every topic under the sun.  DH is forever telling me to "stop arguing with him!"  Most of the time the truth is subjective so neither of us is necessarily right or wrong but when the truth is pretty obvious, I admit to digging in my heals.  I am usually better at interpreting behavior from body language or circumstances than Joe but to have him acknowledge that fact unprompted was hugely gratifying.  I think most of us have a hard time expressing when we are wrong or deficient in some way, but it does help us grow.

He also continues to do well in his job and likes it!!  He also started work again at the weekend camp and was remarkably dedicated about getting all his paperwork submitted for re-employment.  Proud momma moment here!  He is trying to save money to buy one of our cars so he has stopped going out to lunch every day he can.  This is also rather mature of him.  I'm thinking we can release guardianship for him very soon which makes me incredibly happy.

And then there is Alan.

"Wow" doesn't begin to cover it.  He has been back in school almost three weeks and he hasn't had one "bad" day at school.  There have been "incidents" that they've reported (he didn't want to participate in PE but eventually complied, he couldn't get a soda when out in the community and was very disappointed but dealt with it, I forgot to pack a snack one day and the only things they had available didn't appeal to him, etc.) but nothing major.  They have even told me repeatedly that he is a "role model" for other students.  DH read the note that came home yesterday and said, "Does he have an identical twin around here that you've been hiding from me?"

And at home, he has been good too.

He doesn't have many chores around the house mainly because it is too hard to teach them to him.  But we've been trying to come up with more.  We have been having him take the kitchen trash out to the garbage after we tie up the bag but we always had to tell him to do this.  Then last week I left a bag out (both boyz were in different areas of the house) and Alan came into the kitchen first and took the bag out to the garbage without being asked.  The other thing we have been having him do is sweep the floor after he is done eating -- especially when he has popcorn and leaves little bits all over the floor -- but it has always been a struggle with lots of vocalizations on his part.  This morning he finished breakfast and went out to get the broom without being asked. 

Who is this kid?  Did I have twins and not realize it?

While this is a lot more of a bragging post than I typically write, I did want to let other parents know that it DOES get better.  Joe grew up a lot during high school but he continues to grow now as a young adult.  Alan is just starting to go through the high school maturity and it gives me so much hope.  I still know that he will never be able to live independently and that saddens me.  But when you spend so much of your life in fear of what will happen when your autistic, minimally verbal, occasionally violent child is bigger and stronger than you, it is very nice to know that he might not have to go into an institution but can at least stay here with us.

My little boyz are growing up.  What will I write about now?  I guess my minis ...

TBT - What Might Have Been

Here is my version of Throw Back Thursday -- blog style!  (Or TBT-BS as I like to call it!)

This post originally appeared January 8, 2013 and it is still true today.

What Might Have Been

Most of the time I do not have an inferiority complex about staying home.  I have a college degree and I always thought I would go back to work in my chosen field after Alan was in school.  That said, both DH and I really wanted one of us to stay home when the boys were young.  As I had worked fewer years than DH and made less money there was never any debate about which of us would stay home.  I have never felt that DH looks down on me for staying home.  On the contrary, he has always been very supportive and occasionally jealous.  Sometimes I get jealous that he "gets" to go to work because the boys can stress me out but other days, I realize I am lucky because I get to work on my hobbies or go out to lunch with friends or whatever.  So overall we have a good balance, I think.

Then something happens ... in this case my Dad invited me to join LinkedIn.  This is a professional network and as I am not working in a profession I resisted for a long time. Then a fellow hobbyist invited me to join her professional network and I accepted.  So naturally I was curious as to what had happened to my fellow classmates.  OK, now I have a bit of an inferiority complex.  Actually it is less that than the jealousy of how my life might have been.  If I hadn't had two special needs kids would I now be manager of this or senior director of that?  Maybe.  But I might also be divorced as the boys' problems have definitely brought DH and I much closer.  We really have to pull together at times in order to survive.

I read this blog recently (Autism Strains Yet Strengthens a Marriage) and totally understood it.  Yet while reading all the comments below the article I was appalled.  People actually made comments that hinted that these people were living in Hollywood.  They never said their marriage was perfect and nor would I say that about mine.  But the title alone says a lot.  Raising special needs children is a strain but if you work together it can also strengthen a marriage.  But (and this is huge) it takes two people who are committed to making it work.  It can be hard work but with a sense of humor and a heck of a lot of stubbornness, it can happen. 

Sometimes DH and I like to joke that we could never get divorced because we would spend way too much money in a custody battle -- only in our case we would be fighting to give custody to the other person!  A lot of marriages do end in divorce especially when there are special needs kids involved.  Sometimes one parent or the other cannot deal with the special needs and that is really unfortunate.  In general I think parenting is easier when you can tag team and that is even more critical when the children are high maintenance.  

So today while I might wonder what it would be like to be a big shot in the working world, I am also thankful that I don't have to be out there trying to do it all alone.

On the bright side ...

Joe starts every other sentence with "Well on the bright side ..."  OK, not really, but he does say it a dozen or so times a day.
 
I once said that if Joe were asked if the glass was half full or half empty his response would probably be "At least you have a glass."

When he found out that he couldn't participate in an event he was excited about until he turns 21, his comment was "Well, on the bright side, I will get to do it in 2.5 years."

When his aunt's favorite cat ran away he told her, "Well at least you have another cat."

After finding out he can't have popcorn for 2 weeks after getting his wisdom teeth out, he says, "Well at least I won't ever have to have my wisdom teeth out again."

When he had to leave camp early because he got sick, he told me, "Well at least I got to stay for most of the weekend."

When he got a wrong number phone call he told the caller, "Thanks for trying."

In the process, he has turned me into "Happy Heidi".  

When a friend posted on Facebook about her daughter hitting the mailbox her first time driving by herself, my response was, "At least it wasn't a person."

When another friend was complaining about the heat last summer (and I am NOT fond of summer) my response was "At least it isn't as bad as last summer."

When someone was complaining about the endless snow and snow days ... oh wait, that was me, never mind.

When did I become such a Pollyanna?!?!?!  

Well on the bright side, I have great company!

The status quo is nice ...

It's easy to see how the cast has gotten dirty!

Things have been quiet around the Sparks household lately but you won't hear much complaining either!

Unfortunately Alan still has his cast mostly on (I had to cut off the part that covered his palm as it was broken and snagging on things) but we opted to not take it off at the 4-5 week point.  We all knew (including the doctor) that a splint would not stay on.  Now the cast is scheduled to come off at just over 8 weeks from when it went on.  The cast itself is beyond disgusting.  The teenage boy who hasn't had a real bath in over 6 weeks is pretty gross too.  The walls have scratches everywhere from the cast.  I really had not planned on repainting the whole house in spring, but it is looking like there will either be massive touch-ups or new colors in our future.

We do now have good communication with Alan's aide.  Our biggest concern when we started at his new school seemed to be the lack of communication (something at which his teacher of the last two years excelled!!!) but we now have a communication notebook that goes back and forth.  It seems a bit archaic after the e-mails of the last few years, but it is consistent and informative and that is all that is required.

The branches of a Bradford pear are so soft he can rip them off!

Joe is still volunteering at two different places but one of his days at the nursing home was cut.  This is probably because his job coach is having his own hours cut by the government shutdown.  But as DH's job is not in danger from the shutdown, it is hard to complain that Joe's volunteer hours are being cut.

A miniature chandelier I made this month

DH and I have been keeping busy by working out and trying to eat healthier.  We both know we are larger than we are supposed to be and periodically one or the other of us tries to be good but we both know that we have the best results when we are in sync with each other.  We've been using www.myfitnesspal.com and it has actually been sort of fun.  However, I will not be writing about workouts or diets other than in passing because I usually find those rather boring to read.  Of course there are always exceptions but if I am not interested in reading about it, I'm not going to write about it!

I've been reading more (although nothing intellectual -- I read to escape my life!) and trying to snag a little time to work on my minis.  I haven't even been reading all the blogs I used to read although I'm trying to make time for favorites.

DH and I also got to have a movie date night this past weekend and saw Lee Child's The Butler.  I highly recommend it for everyone.  It is truly a powerful story while still being humorous and (it seemed) historically accurate.  Of course halfway through the first scene with Ronald Reagan (played by Alan Rickman) DH leans over and says "It's hard to see Snape as president" and I had to work pretty hard to not giggle through the rest of his scenes.

Alan has conquered a few new trees with his cast, but otherwise it is just the status quo around here ... and that is nice!

Baby steps

Yesterday was "doctor day" in the Sparks household!

First morning after breaking his arm.

Between two previously scheduled "well" visits, a follow up on my foot, a follow up on Alan's arm and a nasty outbreak of poison ivy on Joe, I spent a good bit of time yesterday at the doctor.

The good news is that everyone is on the mend.  Joe got some steroids for his poison ivy, Alan's arm will not have to be reset and I am healing nicely with nice mobility in my toes.  Yay!

At the doctor's office yesterday.

Alan has been surprisingly accepting of the cast.  The first morning he backflipped out of bed and slid down the stairs (cast first), but has been more sedate of late - although he was climbing in the basement stairwell yesterday!  He also decided to do some weird balancing at the doctor's office.

His constant pestering to "go outside" and "climb tree" (two things he had never in the past requested with his talker but had requested relentlessly via talker on his first few days of being housebound) has abated.  He still asks a few times a day and tries the back door for good measure, but we haven't had a single meltdown over his house arrest.  Yay!!

The walking wounded

He also seems to like his new school.  He even asked for me to pack his lunch on Saturday (his way of asking if it is a school day) several times which I took as a promising sign.

He also cooperated with getting x-rays and having the pediatrician listen to his heart (although the ears were NOT happening this year!)

So ... baby steps ...

An eye on the future

In two weeks, my "baby" starts high school.  Two weeks later he turns 15.  Where has the time gone?  It seems only yesterday that I was holding the most agreeable baby in the world (or so he seemed after his brother).  Now I am practically looking eye to eye with Alan.

Yet he is still so "young".  He still wants to play "This Little Piggy" and "Row, Row your Boat."  He still watches Veggie Tales and Thomas the Tank Engine.  But he had a "girlfriend" his last year of middle school.

He is such a little conundrum!!!

We have had wonderful successes lately.  Almost conversations and break-throughs in communication.  I've also had moments of abject terror that haven't been chronicled here where I fear for this young man's future.  He doesn't have a sibling that can care for him -- Joe can barely take care of himself -- so what is going to happen to him when DH and I are gone?

How will his new teacher and school turn out?  I know of almost no one that has gone to this school and I have no knowledge at all of his new teacher.

It is funny, but over the years, things have always worked out.

• When we wanted to put Joe in private school because of the horrible experience we were having in public school, DH got a promotion.  That school turned out to be one of the best moves we made.  
• When Joe was looking at high school and we couldn't find a private one that wanted him, we went back to our local public school and for the most part it was a rousing success. 
• When Alan needed a private school, the Catholic school system here opened up a center for autism a few miles from our home.
• When Alan's OCD became more than the private school could handle, we were past elementary school so we didn't have to fight with the school district why he wouldn't go back to that school.

So while this is not usually an overly religious blog, I am just going to say that I am trusting that God will take care of us yet again and this high school mine field we are facing will be successfully negotiated.

At least I am trying to trust and not let the terror win.

Trying to look on the bright side

Today is Joe's last day of high school.  When I was younger and so much more naive I used to dream about this day.  "If only I can get him to graduate then _________" (fill in the blank).  Now that I am older and wiser, I realize this is just another twist in the road.

A few months back, Joe was accepted into the VR program at his school.  This is a program that aims to get special needs graduates employed after high school.  They take them on several job assessments and the goal (as I understood it) was to find a company where Joe wanted to work and could be successful as well as a company that wanted Joe.

So why, did the assessor take him to places that he didn't want to work?  Why did she spend so much time telling me why the employer wouldn't want Joe?  If the employer is that difficult to work for, why is she bringing potential special needs employees there?

Most of her complaints against Joe were rather minor.  She tells him to put some cans on a shelf.  He says "Are you sure that is where they go?" and she thinks he is undermining her authority.  Really?  Has she ever talked to an autistic person in her life??  Joe questions everything.  That is just the way he is.

She claimed he was too negative.  This is a legitimate claim against many on the spectrum.  But not Joe.

This is the child that when my sister's cat ran away, he tried to console my sister that she still has another cat.  When I'm running late and am wearing my workout clothes, he tells me that "at least you had a chance to take a shower" when actually I didn't.  When my car was totaled it was "at least we still have two other cars."  This young man could be the poster child for looking on the bright side.

To the age old question of "Is the glass half full or half empty?" Joe would probably respond "The important thing is that you have a glass!"

So now I am facing graduation with an unemployed 18 year old.  I am terrified.  I am sure he will eventually work somewhere although hell will freeze over before I let it be the sheltered workshop she thinks he needs.  The kid drives for crying out loud.  Okay, deep breath mama bear.

At least I have Joe.

The Silver Lining

While an accident is never a good thing, it can really affect a special needs family.  Yesterday, I was t-boned and my car was totaled.  I am, for the most part, fine -- just really sore.  So often it is hard to see the silver lining for the cloud.  This was a pretty big cloud after all!!

But while talking things over last night with the DH, I really got to thinking about how important each little cog is to the family machine.  While I do not consider myself to be a little cog (I am actually referring to the car) it is just amazing when you consider how every part of your life impacts every other part.  One of DH's co-workers was in a very serious accident less than two weeks ago and has multiple broken vertebrae and other bones as well.  He has feelings in all his extremities and his prognosis is actually relatively decent but he is still in the hospital and might be for months.

DH did say he wasn't sure how he would handle everything without me.  I thought that was pretty sweet as so many times I feel like my part of the household is so much smaller than his.  I know I do a lot, but I also have a lot of free time during the day to do what I like.  I spend a lot of time on the computer, doing my hobbies, reading and having lunch with friends.  But as he pointed out, if I were in the hospital like his coworker, or if I had lost an arm or a leg or something equally extreme, him trying to deal with that as well as the boys on a daily basis and keeping a fairly demanding full time job would become next to impossible.

Many, many people have pointed out to me that cars can be replaced and that the important thing is that I am (mostly) OK.  I need to focus on that and quit being so hard on myself.  The timing might stink, but really, when is a good time to have an accident??  My fabulous husband is the silver lining in this particular cloud.