Overthinking

Lately I've been spending way too much time overthinking things.  I worry about what I comment on other people's blogs and I worry about what I write on my own.  I don't like to offend people and it seems like some people are so easily offended.

I thought about putting in my two cents about Robin Williams whose death saddened me greatly.  I thought about writing about Ferguson since I lived in Ferguson the first six years of my life but I find myself annoyed at both ends of that battle as well.  I thought about writing about Alan's first week of school (which was phenomenal, by the way!!) and he didn't even need to go to the ER like the first week of school last year.  But really I have no clue what to say about that other than that my Bug is growing up and as he matures he is getting much more even tempered.

But I haven't written about any of those things because I have been overthinking all of them. 

Then today I took the boyz to a local fast food place for lunch.  DH is away doing his own thing this weekend so it was just the three of us. 

It was a very easy lunch.  Alan was being vocal, but well behaved.  I noticed that the roof was leaking and even though several of the customers were commenting on it to each other, no one had bothered to inform the folks that worked there so I went up to do so.  As I passed one woman's table she smiled at me.  She was about my age and was there by herself.  Most of the other customers were elderly so I took the smile to be "Thanks for telling the employees because none of those old folks were going to bother."  And then I stopped thinking about her. 

About five minutes later she walked up to my table and said, "You seem like a nice family.  Here's a gift card for your next visit."  I thanked her and she walked out.  After a lengthy discussion with Joe about "random acts of kindness" I thought about her some more.

I realize there is an excellent chance that what she was really thinking was "Oh my gosh, here is a woman with a special needs son and I feel sorry for her so I will give her a little gift."  There is also a chance she was just doing a random act of kindness and hadn't noticed Alan -- not likely, but possible.  Most likely she was just trying to figure out a way to encourage me.

I might have to remember to do something similar sometime.

All I know is that I'm not going to overthink this event.  I am just going to enjoy it.

Happy Saturday!

NAME National Convention

I just spent the most amazing week at my first ever NAME (National Association of Miniature Enthusiasts) Convention in St. Louis, MO.  I am exhausted, but so glad I participated.  The theme was "Rollin' on the River" and the gifts were amazing!!  I got this little beauty at a lunch seminar all about 3D printing.

Although I had been sort of thinking of getting a 3D printer some time (or a laser cutter, they look fun, too!) I pretty much ruled out a 3D printer any time in the next 10 years.  Wow.  You need to be way too "techie" to own one!  Still, the things they can do are pretty amazing.  This little gem was made entirely on a 3D printer (except the pictures) and then painted.  The whole thing is about 2.25" square.  WOW!!

Although the entrance fee seemed high to me, I discovered why after attending.  You get so many amazing gifts at every event!   This picture is all the goodies that I got just in my tote bag for attending.  Yowza!

I took several classes and they were pretty interesting as well.  I learned how to make "wrought iron" out of quilling paper.  I can't wait to use some of these techniques in my townhouse!

I also took a class from Ginger Landon-Siegal and made this adorable little Paris street scene.  The whole thing is about 7" long. 

On Friday I made this little table of "apple pie in the making".  I still haven't figured out what will be going in that one corner, but I loved how it turned out anyway!

Saturday night was the banquet with a lot of the folks dressing up in costumes.  It was great for people watching.

I completely fell in love with the tinier scales this last week and picked up several more kits. 

I want to finish my existing 1" scale projects and move on to exclusively 1/4" scale and the 1/144th scale.  Of course I have three rather large 1" scale projects that I have to finish before I can move on.  On the other hand, I am so freaking ADD when it comes to miniatures that who knows how that will turn out. 

Oh look, squirrel ...

I don't feel inspirational

Today is my birthday (Happy Birthday, Me!) and as I read through all the birthday wishes on my Facebook timeline, I got to wondering if any of these people really understand me.

Several people made some reference to how I "inspire" them.  Seriously?  I feel like such a complete and utter failure as a parent.  Some days (like today) I feel like the worst parent ever.

Today is yet another snow day for Alan.  Other parents (although fewer with each subsequent snow fall) post about how they "get" a day off with their children but all I do is think about how having the boyz home will "ruin" my birthday.

DH texted me this morning about 10:30 and asked me if I was hiding from Alan.  Yep, pretty much!  Alan ALWAYS goes to lunch at 11 when he is home.  Note:  I said "goes" to lunch.  We cannot stay home unless we want a meltdown.  This kid has fast food at least two days a week (and usually more).  I'm a failure as a nutritionist.

We make a stop on the way home to get a few things.  Alan asks for a soda at Target and I ask Joe to go get it.  He tells Alan to "Wait here" even though Alan likes to come with his big brother.  Alan yells his battle cry and Joe gets frustrated.  I'm a failure as a referee.

We get home and Alan wants to go play in the snow.  I distract him with a video because I am sick to death of sitting outside while he sleds.  I'm a failure as a companion.

Alan wants to snuggle with me in bed.  I read and he watches his iPad.  OK, maybe not the best mother/son bonding time, but we both like it.  I guess I'm not the worst parent ever, but I still don't think I'm inspirational.

Then my sister sent me a birthday card that said "Birthdays are about celebrating life, love and longevity ... so the more you have, the happier you are!"  I think that might be the point of today.  Maybe I should just let my friends think I'm a better person/parent than I think I am.  After all, only you know your worst flaws, right?

An eye on the future

In two weeks, my "baby" starts high school.  Two weeks later he turns 15.  Where has the time gone?  It seems only yesterday that I was holding the most agreeable baby in the world (or so he seemed after his brother).  Now I am practically looking eye to eye with Alan.

Yet he is still so "young".  He still wants to play "This Little Piggy" and "Row, Row your Boat."  He still watches Veggie Tales and Thomas the Tank Engine.  But he had a "girlfriend" his last year of middle school.

He is such a little conundrum!!!

We have had wonderful successes lately.  Almost conversations and break-throughs in communication.  I've also had moments of abject terror that haven't been chronicled here where I fear for this young man's future.  He doesn't have a sibling that can care for him -- Joe can barely take care of himself -- so what is going to happen to him when DH and I are gone?

How will his new teacher and school turn out?  I know of almost no one that has gone to this school and I have no knowledge at all of his new teacher.

It is funny, but over the years, things have always worked out.

• When we wanted to put Joe in private school because of the horrible experience we were having in public school, DH got a promotion.  That school turned out to be one of the best moves we made.  
• When Joe was looking at high school and we couldn't find a private one that wanted him, we went back to our local public school and for the most part it was a rousing success. 
• When Alan needed a private school, the Catholic school system here opened up a center for autism a few miles from our home.
• When Alan's OCD became more than the private school could handle, we were past elementary school so we didn't have to fight with the school district why he wouldn't go back to that school.

So while this is not usually an overly religious blog, I am just going to say that I am trusting that God will take care of us yet again and this high school mine field we are facing will be successfully negotiated.

At least I am trying to trust and not let the terror win.

Showing Off

This post has nothing to do with autism.  This has to do with my favorite hobby -- miniatures. 

But first a little background.  Joe loves miniature golf.  He says it is his favorite "sport".  As a mom, I would prefer a sport where he got a tad more of a workout, but hey, it isn't like I can control it.

So for his upcoming graduation, I decided to make him a golf-able (is that a word?) miniature, miniature golf course.  I had a lot of fun making it, but of course all my grandiose plans (Harry Potter themed, working parts, excessive landscaping) pretty much went by the wayside when I figured out that I didn't have enough time.

 Still I managed to go from this ...

to this ...

in less than two months!

I did like the way the little stream and the covered bridge turned out.


Anyway, enough bragging for the day.  I just wanted to share with everyone.  If you want to look at more pictures feel free to check out my photo album on Google+.

Spotlighting Joe's creativity

Whenever Joe approaches a major life change (new school year, holidays, even vacation) he gets a little "edgier".  Needless to say with high school graduation approaching he has been a getting on my nerves a bit!  So in an effort to boost his morale and mine, I am going to spend this blog highlighting his creativity -- which is extensive.

I talked in Dorothy, I'm afraid we aren't in Kansas about Joe's amazing marionette he constructed out of pipe cleaners. Kerri commented about how creative it was and I figured I should give credit where it is due.  His marionette, which he calls Marionetto, took only a day or two to construct although he has tweaked it occasionally since.  He even trusted the cat to check it out but not Alan ... hmm, he might have something there.  The cat is probably more gentle than Alan!


He has also carved his own pumpkin for the last two years and while 2011's was probably better than 2012's they were both pretty impressive for a kid with fine motor issues!

The drawing in the book

Working hard!

Joe's final drawing.  A little off on the face, but otherwise, pretty well done!

But one of my all time favorites was his copy of a drawing from the book The Invention of Hugo Cabret.  He loved the movie Hugo when it came out and since reading has always been hard for him, we got him the book for his birthday hoping it would spark his interest.  He actually did a little reading on his own, but as is usual for Joe, the pictures were what really captured him!

Again, this didn't take him very long.  He did this drawing in an evening.  When he wants to, he can be incredibly focused and a very hard worker.

Now if we can only figure out a career for him that involves copying pictures from books or building pipe cleaner puppets, life will be good!

Joe is Destined for "Hoarders"

I have to confess I do not watch TV especially reality TV but I do not live in a bubble so I am at least aware of the show Hoarders.  Of course, I also know what a hoarder is since I live with one.

For background, I keep some things but I also pitch, donate or sell a LOT!  I really do not see a need to save baby toys or every craft the kids ever made.  I also try to get rid of books I know I will never read again or DVDs we will never watch again.  I will confess that pictures are a huge weakness of mine but I have even been known to throw away pictures.

So keeping this in mind, why am I so convinced that Joe is destined for Hoarders?

When Joe was in elementary school he was very into what he called "crafts".  Of course sometimes his craft was nothing more than writing a word or a phrase on a piece of scrap paper and cutting it out to show to people.  He would then pile the little scraps of paper on the dresser in his room.  About every two weeks I would go up there when he was in school and throw away two thirds of the crafts off the top of his dresser.  The first time I did this I thought he would get angry with me, but he didn't even notice.  He also labeled lots of things.  We used to buy tape by the case at Sams and DH would bring home scrap paper from work by the box.  He built some amazing things out of paper, string and tape!

This was also a time when he would tell stories over and over and over and over again making very slight changes.  For example, he might tell the story of the gingerbread man, but change it to a gingerbread snowman and then wonder why DH and I did not want to listen.  He would do this so often, DH and I got very adept at pretending to listen.  We both felt bad and yet it was so exhausting to have his chattering at us for hours on end saying nothing really new. 

During this time we were carpooling to private school and the other student we carpooled with was Tina, an adorable little gal with ADHD.  We used to say they were perfectly suited for each other because while Joe would tell the same story 15 times in a row, Tina would appear to be listening attentively because she couldn't remember the last 14 times because of her ADHD.  We later discovered that Abilify made Joe very OCD in this way and after we took him off that medication he improved remarkably.

One year shortly after Joe went off the Abilify, Alan started back to school before Joe after winter break so I told Joe we were going to clean up his room.  I figured now that he no longer needed to make and keep the goofy little crafts he would be a bit more willing to clean up his space.  And while he was willing, the experience was quite an eye opener!!

I found:

• hair toys that were not mine (he had picked them up from parking lots and playgrounds) 
• used sucker sticks (eww!)
• about a half dozen flashlights, rulers, old batteries, and tape measures
• the wrappers from bandaids
• toys that Alan played with but Joe decided to keep in his room so that Alan could NOT access
• a set of little toys like you buy for party favors that we had never purchased for him (shoplifted?)
• one of DH's old pay stubs
• a key to our safe deposit box

Yikes!  It has now been four years since the massive room clean up and while all the  boxes are still there with their cute little labels and contents intact, he is still a hoarder.  He saves every card, letter and ticket he can.  Here is what his room looks like now.

So while this picture doesn't look too bad, I do have to share the story that brought about this particular blog entry.

Joe loves running errands for us.  He is so sweet that way.  He will tell me "that's what I'm here for!"  So one day last week I sent him to the supermarket with some cash and the request that he buy milk and animal crackers.  He comes home and asks if I want the receipt.  It was cash so I tell him "no" and then he says he is going to go put it upstairs in his card box.  Huh?  I can see wanting to save ticket stubs and cards, but why in the world would he EVER want to look at a cash receipt from the time he went to the store for mom and got milk and animal crackers?!?!

Hoarders here we come!

The Perks of Special Needs Kids

Many people ask me "what is autism?" or "what causes autism?"  If I knew I would be a millionaire!  That said, here is one of the best answers I've seen in a long time.

What is Autism? by Autism Speaks 

I do love my boys but I love them in spite of their autism not because of it.  

That said, there are perks to having two special needs kids.  

• I do not worry about them getting anyone pregnant!  
• I don't worry about them being out late at night.  Most of the time Joe wants to be home and in bed by 9 pm.  Of course, this is mainly because of the medication he takes which makes him sleepy.  
• I don't have to worry about alcohol until age 21 or illegal drugs -- Joe is way too much of a rule follower for that.  
• They don't need the latest clothes, games, or electronics. 
• They want me around (OK, sometimes this isn't a perk, but my friends with typical kids assure me it IS unusual!)
• We get to have family dinners every night because they aren't running to a half a dozen (or more) weekly teams or activities.  Of course, as I mentioned in one of my other posts, dinners with Alan are anything but restful! 

I guess there are pros and cons.  Like a rainbow ... lights and darks ... favorite colors and least favorite ... 

Holidays with a Twist

The holidays can be so stressful.  For a typical family, you have to deal with buying and wrapping gifts, teacher gifts, decorating, baking, scheduling holiday parties and so much more.  In our family, we have all that ... with a twist.

What do you buy for a non-verbal 14 year old who loves to climb and watch videos -- but rarely new videos?  He loves opening presents, but rarely gets excited by their contents.  What do you buy for an 18 year old who when you ask will give you half a dozen videos but that is about it?  He has little concept of the value of money.  We have been attempting to teach that over the last year with a debit card and having him pay for his own gas but until you are putting money back into the account, where is the lesson?  One year when we asked Joe what he wanted for Christmas he told us "a flashlight".  What else?  "I really want a flashlight."  OH - KAY!  To make things more complicated, we have both sets of grandparents still alive (don't get me wrong, that is a nice complication!) and several aunts and uncles who spend more than $5-10 for the kids.  They want ideas.  Every year, I scramble to come up with something (anything!) creative for them to get on Christmas and rarely do I find anything.  This is getting even tougher as Alan gets older.  We got him an iPad last year for his birthday so while we might appreciate the iTunes gift cards and he might at a later date appreciate the movies and apps we put on it, he does NOT get into opening gift cards.  Sigh.

Teacher gifts are even more fun.  When you have a teacher per kid you can do something pretty nice for them.  One year I had over 30 teachers for my 2 children!!!  This year I have one awesome teacher, 4 paraprofessionals in his class, a class interpreter (?), an ABA coordinator, SLP, OT, PT, Music teacher, Art teacher, PE teacher, computer teacher, favorite babysitter, two bus drivers (he is on a different route each way) and two bus assistants.  Gee whiz.  Just giving each of them $5 adds up pretty quick.  In the past I have made soap, made candles, given them cookies/soup in a jar, made autism awareness scarves and probably a lot of other things I have forgotten.  This year I decided to make a photo collage of goofy Alan pictures (climbing on the stairs, swingset, wedged on the top shelf of his closet, stairdiving) and gave them that on a thank you letter.  I had several of the people tell me it was their favorite Christmas present ever!  It obviously won't work for everyone, but it was a fun idea and I wanted to share it.

Decorating is not that different for us.  The nativity set still gets played with but I suspect that happens in many houses where there are young children.  We get no help from Alan decorating but Joe is a big help so I guess that one evens out.  The same with cooking and baking.  As long as I can keep Alan occupied with a video or outside, I can do my cooking and baking.  Of course I still have to go outside with Alan during snowfalls to insure that he doesn't stop in the middle of the hill and sit there or run over some younger kid so I dread snow days during December!

Scheduling the holidays is perhaps the worst.  Anything where "the whole family is invited" are a disaster.  If we take Alan anywhere, one of us has to be watching him constantly.  He likes to go "exploring" and loves beds, stairs, balconies and railings.  Having a 150+ lb kid jump off an upper bunk during a party is guaranteed to make people jump!  God forbid anyone have a dog, because then Joe is going nuts with his fear of dogs -- even little ones, even locked up ones.  Of course if we don't take one or both of the boys, we have to get someone to watch them.  Special needs babysitters are expensive!  Some of that is just because it is usually an adult (not some neighborhood kid) and some of it is because I believe in paying them well when I find one I like!  Adults tend to have their own lives so scheduling their availability is not always the simplest thing either.  Many times we have had to split up -- DH takes Joe to his side of the family and I take Joe to my side or DH goes stag to work parties.  Of course, sometimes this causes problems too.  My mom asked me one time if DH didn't like them and people at his work probably think I am a snob.  Such is life with the spectrum.

We end up hosting a LOT of holidays.  This is actually easier on us as we don't have to schedule babysitters or worry about trying to keep Alan out of beds or reassure Joe that the dog is really nice and won't bother him other than to smell him.  Sometimes it gets a bit expensive always buying the food and the drinks, but it probably saves a small fortune in babysitter costs so maybe it is even.  The holidays with a twist ...