Not my day

Have you ever seen those t-shirts that say "Today is not your day.  Tomorrow is not looking good either."  Yep, that is me.

After having read a bunch of different people's blog posts, I am almost thinking that there is something in the air.  I thought springtime was supposed to make people hopeful.  That has never been the case around here.  There are too many allergies and spring is followed by summer (my least favorite season) so I am generally a bit of grump in the spring, but in the past, it always seemed I was in the minority in that.

Today the biggest source of my angst is Joe.  The poor kid has almost no friends.  He keeps inviting one of his former classmates to go places (dinner, movies, etc.) but as last weekend was prom and she went with someone else, I am pretty sure it is a "friends only" relationship.  I am fine with that.  Except he doesn't really have ANY other friends.  And if she actually has a boyfriend, I suspect their platonic dates will continue to decline.  He has two other kids with whom he occasionally exchanges texts but there is no one else with whom he can "hang".

This is breaking his mom's heart.

He is such a neat kid, but he is so socially backward and I just want him to have some friends.  He never saw the need while he was in high school and now he doesn't have anyone.  I was thinking if he got a regular job and was around the same kids day in and day out that this might change, but alas, the kid does not have a regular job.

He frequently goes out after work (to play miniature golf, to eat lunch, to shop) but it always by himself.  I love this independence, but it would be so much better with friends.

Since we found out for sure that he won't be going to college this fall, this has gotten more urgent for me.  I don't think any of us will be happy to live another year like the last.  He doesn't even do much on the computer -- which I will admit is most of my social interaction these days!

So how can I generate social interactions?

Thank goodness for boyz ... except today!

I love my boyz beyond belief -- their autism, not so much -- but just the fact that they are male is awesome!  Most days.

 Most people have an idea before they have children of what boyz or girls are "like" and I am no exception.  I clearly remembering wanting no more than one boy.  I had one brother growing up and several of my cousins and friends had similar family arrangements and they worked pretty smoothly, I thought.

I knew I did not want multiple boyz.  My husband only has a brother and my brother-in-law has two brothers and no sisters and a family we were close to growing up had three boyz and one girl and the stories and memories terrified me.

DH loves to tell the story of his brother giving pointers to the neighborhood boy on the best way to beat up DH.  Then there are the stories of the summer that DH finally caught up in size to his older brother.  World War III is usually used as the analogy and all I can think of is my poor, sainted mother-in-law -- but that is another whole blog post!  I remember going over to the house with the three boyz while I was growing up and it totally morphed my brother.  He was sweet and funny most of the time but we'd go over to their house and he would get into fart contests with the other boyz and all that gross "boy" stuff.  No way.  I had decided that was NOT for me.

But when we started thinking about a family, all I could think about was having a boy.  I had four nieces and no nephews and my brother had died shortly before my wedding and all I could think about was a baby boy.  I wanted a boy!  Everyone always says "you will love the baby no matter what the gender" but I knew I really wanted that boy.  Boyz (plural) still scared me and if I knew my second child was going to be a boy, I probably would have preferred that my first be a girl, but since nothing in life is certain, I just wanted that boy.

Lo and behold, Joe was born and there was much rejoicing.  Both sets of grandparents and mom and dad were all thrilled.

Joe was absolutely the most beautiful baby EVER (and I had numerous strangers come up to me in public to reinforce that belief) but he wasn't always the easiest baby.  It took me a long time to decide to have a second baby.  DH wanted them closer together, but I was thinking 10 years apart was about right!  The thought of two boyz no longer scared me.  I just wanted a "typical" child.  Ha!  Does karma have a heck of a sense of humor, or what?!?!?   At least Alan was a much easier baby!!

So back to why I am thankful for two boyz ...

1.  Boyz are tough.  I have a dear friend that has a daughter Joe's age.  They both got their braces at similar times.  Sweet girl would be in the nurse's office several times a week for Tylenol.  Joe never asked for pain killers.  In two and half years.  Tough kid.  Alan cut his head open and I found out when I found the bloody washcloth he used to try to clean himself up.  Even tougher kid.  Thank goodness for boyz.

2.  Boyz consider shopping to be a chore which is also how I look at it.  I never have to take them shopping to cheer them up!  Thank goodness for boyz.

3.  Boyz' toys are much better than those specifically "for girls".  I hate the color pink and find changing a Barbie's clothes or matching her accessories to be boring.  But building a railroad track?  That is fun!!  Thank goodness for boyz.

4.  Boyz' books are better.  I'd much rather read Percy Jackson or even How to Train your Dragon than The Twilight books any day!!  Thank goodness for boyz.

5.  Boyz are usually lower upkeep.  They will never want their hair highlighted, a pedicure or the latest handbag.  A suit for prom is a lot easier than finding the "right" dress -- although it might cost as much.  In general their clothes cover more surface area, too!!  Car insurance is more for boyz, but a wedding is a lot more.  Thank goodness for boyz.

6.  Drama is definitely lower with boyz.

In case you missed all the clues, I'll spell it out.  I am not a "girlie" girl.  Despite my obsession with miniatures, I don't care for most things "feminine".  I am an engineer by degree.  I love jeans and t-shirts and my boyz.  So why is today different?

Today is the day I cleaned the bathrooms.  Let's face it -- boyz miss.  A lot.  An awful lot.  Yuck.

The status quo is nice ...

It's easy to see how the cast has gotten dirty!

Things have been quiet around the Sparks household lately but you won't hear much complaining either!

Unfortunately Alan still has his cast mostly on (I had to cut off the part that covered his palm as it was broken and snagging on things) but we opted to not take it off at the 4-5 week point.  We all knew (including the doctor) that a splint would not stay on.  Now the cast is scheduled to come off at just over 8 weeks from when it went on.  The cast itself is beyond disgusting.  The teenage boy who hasn't had a real bath in over 6 weeks is pretty gross too.  The walls have scratches everywhere from the cast.  I really had not planned on repainting the whole house in spring, but it is looking like there will either be massive touch-ups or new colors in our future.

We do now have good communication with Alan's aide.  Our biggest concern when we started at his new school seemed to be the lack of communication (something at which his teacher of the last two years excelled!!!) but we now have a communication notebook that goes back and forth.  It seems a bit archaic after the e-mails of the last few years, but it is consistent and informative and that is all that is required.

The branches of a Bradford pear are so soft he can rip them off!

Joe is still volunteering at two different places but one of his days at the nursing home was cut.  This is probably because his job coach is having his own hours cut by the government shutdown.  But as DH's job is not in danger from the shutdown, it is hard to complain that Joe's volunteer hours are being cut.

A miniature chandelier I made this month

DH and I have been keeping busy by working out and trying to eat healthier.  We both know we are larger than we are supposed to be and periodically one or the other of us tries to be good but we both know that we have the best results when we are in sync with each other.  We've been using www.myfitnesspal.com and it has actually been sort of fun.  However, I will not be writing about workouts or diets other than in passing because I usually find those rather boring to read.  Of course there are always exceptions but if I am not interested in reading about it, I'm not going to write about it!

I've been reading more (although nothing intellectual -- I read to escape my life!) and trying to snag a little time to work on my minis.  I haven't even been reading all the blogs I used to read although I'm trying to make time for favorites.

DH and I also got to have a movie date night this past weekend and saw Lee Child's The Butler.  I highly recommend it for everyone.  It is truly a powerful story while still being humorous and (it seemed) historically accurate.  Of course halfway through the first scene with Ronald Reagan (played by Alan Rickman) DH leans over and says "It's hard to see Snape as president" and I had to work pretty hard to not giggle through the rest of his scenes.

Alan has conquered a few new trees with his cast, but otherwise it is just the status quo around here ... and that is nice!

An eye on the future

In two weeks, my "baby" starts high school.  Two weeks later he turns 15.  Where has the time gone?  It seems only yesterday that I was holding the most agreeable baby in the world (or so he seemed after his brother).  Now I am practically looking eye to eye with Alan.

Yet he is still so "young".  He still wants to play "This Little Piggy" and "Row, Row your Boat."  He still watches Veggie Tales and Thomas the Tank Engine.  But he had a "girlfriend" his last year of middle school.

He is such a little conundrum!!!

We have had wonderful successes lately.  Almost conversations and break-throughs in communication.  I've also had moments of abject terror that haven't been chronicled here where I fear for this young man's future.  He doesn't have a sibling that can care for him -- Joe can barely take care of himself -- so what is going to happen to him when DH and I are gone?

How will his new teacher and school turn out?  I know of almost no one that has gone to this school and I have no knowledge at all of his new teacher.

It is funny, but over the years, things have always worked out.

• When we wanted to put Joe in private school because of the horrible experience we were having in public school, DH got a promotion.  That school turned out to be one of the best moves we made.  
• When Joe was looking at high school and we couldn't find a private one that wanted him, we went back to our local public school and for the most part it was a rousing success. 
• When Alan needed a private school, the Catholic school system here opened up a center for autism a few miles from our home.
• When Alan's OCD became more than the private school could handle, we were past elementary school so we didn't have to fight with the school district why he wouldn't go back to that school.

So while this is not usually an overly religious blog, I am just going to say that I am trusting that God will take care of us yet again and this high school mine field we are facing will be successfully negotiated.

At least I am trying to trust and not let the terror win.

Happy Father's Day, DH!

As regular readers know, I do not refer to my hubby by name, merely as DH.  Lest anyone be confused that does stand for Dear Husband NOT D*%# Husband.

The young and the clueless

DH and I met some 25 years ago and it wasn't exactly love at first sight.  We both thought the other had some goofy traits -- I was concerned about silly things like whether or not his clothes matched (they didn't) and he thought I needed to grow up (I did).  Obviously we did eventually reconcile these little problems.


So fast forward some seven years to Joe's birth.  I know that DH and I were terrified.  I would be hard pressed to say who was more so.  We were both the youngest in our family and although we both had nieces, we really had very limited experience with kids in general and babies in particular.  

We both have a vivid memory of leaving the hospital, getting out to the car with Joe and wondering how the heck did we get the car seat in the car?!?!?!   I am positive that he was not properly restrained for that first short drive.  Then there were diapers.  I think I had changed a grand total of two diapers before Joe was born and I'm not sure DH had even changed that many.

I'm sure anyone who has ever cared for a newborn remembers that dreaded "transition" diaper.  That's the one with the consistency, color and smell of rancid tar.  We got Joe's at about 3 in the morning on his first night home.  While trying to clean it up (which took two of us) we were both christened along with the wall and floor of Joe's room -- ah, the special joys of little boys.  I was in so much pain from trying to breastfeed and a difficult birth that all I wanted to do was cry but DH just laughed which made me laugh and like so many things that would come later, he helped me immensely.

Joe wasn't always an easy baby.  He would make himself go rigid and thrash like there was no tomorrow.  But like many with autism he was the world's cutest toddler.  But he only had about 10 words until he was almost 3 when we started our own version of ABA so he was definitely a challenge!

DH was always fantastic about coming with me to doctor after doctor and school meeting after school meeting.  I remember when we had home ABA with Joe and DH would make it to most of the team meetings.  Our ABA coordinator told us she didn't even know what most of the dads looked like and here was DH sitting in and contributing in most of the meetings. 

He would take Joe to the pool, the playground and even built a swing-set for him.  (And 14 years later, that swing-set is still in use by the younger child.)  But Dad and Joe are still pals and play tennis, chess and go for bike rides.

But I think what I like best about DH as a father is that he was never upset about the fact that Joe didn't play conventional sports.  We tried both t-ball and soccer when he was younger and they were complete disasters.  But it was never an issue.  I know so many guys that want to live vicariously through their male off-spring and DH was never that way.  He happily took Joe to gymnastics and later piano and bowling.  He taught him how to play tennis and we both taught him to ride a bike (with DH doing more of the running than yours truly!)


He also liked just relaxing and being silly with Joe.

Although he had a little denial before Joe was diagnosed he probably had less than me with Alan.  I was just convinced that lightning did NOT strike twice.  Alan was such a different baby than Joe -- cuddly, amazing eye contact, lots more babbling -- that I did not think he could possibly have autism. 

But once again, with DH's fantastic sense of humor and help, we got through all the sleepless nights, the poop smearing, the B-12 shots in Alan's butt while he slept, the bizarre climbing, the endless "Alan-proofing" of the basement, etc.  

The poor guy even has allergies but when Joe wanted a cat, DH said sure. 

And DH still has some of the ickier jobs with the boys.  He usually ends up taking Alan to the sedation dentist because it takes two males (DH and the doc) along with three nurses to hold him down and give him the initial shot.

And through all this, he remains my best friend and the person most likely to make me laugh.  Overall I couldn't ask for a better husband or Dad to my boyz!  

Love you, babe!

Alan has a girlfriend

Yikes!  I can't believe I just typed that title.  Alan is 14, mostly non-verbal and autistic!  How the heck did he get a girlfriend?

However, this is a direct quote from his teacher's e-mail (only the names have been changed):

I'm not sure if I had mentioned this, but Alan has a girlfriend!  Hannah is definitely the initiator, but they frequently have to be separated in gym class from snuggling.  Not sure if you wanted Alan to put *extra* stickers on her Valentine.  Don't worry, she's super cute!  He has good taste.

After we expressed our dismay, we got this answer:

You have a cute son!  You knew someday some girl would find him irresistible!  She's definitely smitten.  They are paired up a lot for academic groups, and I guess one day she saw him  *differently *.

Oh, my!  Happy Valentine's Day!

Date Nights and Privacy

Lest you get confused by the title, I do not plan to give private details about our date night.  This blog covers two separate topics.

Date Night:
Tonight is our monthly date night.  Thank goodness.  I've actually had a pretty good month other than a root canal but just getting out with the hubby is such a treat.

Most times we go to a movie but as we are a bit on movie overload we are going to go out to dinner and then either go and listen to some music or watch a game on TV.  But it really doesn't matter what we do, what is important is that we make time to be together.  It probably doesn't happen naturally in a typical family either.  But some months we really have to work to make sure we get a night to ourselves. 

As I said in What Might Have Been, DH and I have a pretty good relationship.  I would say it is 50/50 but that isn't really the case.  Some days it is 60/40 favoring me and some days it is 70/30 favoring him or .... well, you get the idea.  That is how we make it work.  At least our boys are not involved in a lot of extracurricular activities.  Most evenings after the boys are in bed (and thank goodness they are good sleepers!!!) are for just the two of us.  That said, there is still something wonderful about going out and not worrying about whose turn it is to bathe Alan or who needs to cut up his apple or stop him from jumping off our bed and shaking the whole floor or .... well, once again, you get the idea.

Tonight we are planning to go out, have a little fun and pretend we don't have two autistic kids.  Tell me you aren't jealous!!

Privacy:
Last night we watched the movie Julie and Julia.  For those who do not know the plot line, it is based on the true story of Julie Powell who decided to write a blog while cooking through Julia Child's entire cookbook in a year.  I have started my blog since I last saw the movie, so it was especially entertaining to watch the interactions between Julie and her husband Eric.  Probably my favorite exchange:

Eric:  I am not a saint.
Julie:  Oh yes you are!
Eric:  No, I'm not!  And it makes me feel like an asshole every time you say it.  (pause)  And do NOT write about this in your blog!

DH frequently tells me "don't put this on Facebook!"  Usually it is when he is sick or something is up with the family but I don't necessarily want everyone knowing all our dirty laundry either.  I am a fairly open and sharing person, but some things about our relationship are not for the blog or Facebook or Google + ( I haven't started tweeting yet!)  Usually I try to share what I think is funny about our life or what has or hasn't worked with the boys in an effort to help other people.  The rest is just voyeurism.  

So if you are looking for a reality TV look into our life, you probably won't find it.  It doesn't mean I don't like sharing or having you share back.  I apparently actually have a few readers even if I don't have any followers yet!  Happy Saturday, folks!

The Perks of Special Needs Kids

Many people ask me "what is autism?" or "what causes autism?"  If I knew I would be a millionaire!  That said, here is one of the best answers I've seen in a long time.

What is Autism? by Autism Speaks 

I do love my boys but I love them in spite of their autism not because of it.  

That said, there are perks to having two special needs kids.  

• I do not worry about them getting anyone pregnant!  
• I don't worry about them being out late at night.  Most of the time Joe wants to be home and in bed by 9 pm.  Of course, this is mainly because of the medication he takes which makes him sleepy.  
• I don't have to worry about alcohol until age 21 or illegal drugs -- Joe is way too much of a rule follower for that.  
• They don't need the latest clothes, games, or electronics. 
• They want me around (OK, sometimes this isn't a perk, but my friends with typical kids assure me it IS unusual!)
• We get to have family dinners every night because they aren't running to a half a dozen (or more) weekly teams or activities.  Of course, as I mentioned in one of my other posts, dinners with Alan are anything but restful! 

I guess there are pros and cons.  Like a rainbow ... lights and darks ... favorite colors and least favorite ... 

Grateful for a Diagnosis

I never thought I would say this (let alone think it!) but I am so grateful today for my sons' diagnoses.  

Joe is taking a class on Sex Ed from a local company that specializes in special needs kiddos.  Most of their clients seem to have MR or something similar, but they are working to branch out into autism.  Joe has taken a couple of art classes there and liked them well enough but he was always the highest functioning kid there by far.  When they came out with the info on this class DH and I were all over it.  Special needs kids are much more likely to be sexually abused than their typical counterparts and Joe is so naive about things (and uninterested in talking about them) that we figured this was perfect.  As well, there is a young lady at his school with whom he is quite smitten and we figured before we let him actually "date" he should have a clue about was and wasn't appropriate.

The first two classes were relatively uneventful and didn't prompt him to want to discuss things at all.  Sigh.

Then last night a new student walked in and lo and behold it was Tina, a girl with whom Joe had gone to grade school and upon whom he used to have an enormous crush!  They had e-mailed a bit earlier in the calendar year and upon snooping through the e-mails I became even more convinced that this kid needed some boundaries.  She "broke up" with him in April and at first he was quite upset but then he seemed to get over it.  This fall he became smitten with Helen and we were thrilled.  Helen is a sweet girl and seems just Joe's speed and we always thought Tina was waaaaaaaaaaay over Joe's level.  

So Tina's mom called me last night to talk about the fact that both kids were in the same class and she told me a little bit about why she had enrolled Tina in the first place.  Yikes!  Tina was meeting guys at a local park after telling her parents she was going to church youth group and so her driving solo has been cut.  She was sexting and meeting guys in online chat rooms and several other dangerous behaviors.  But ... since she doesn't have a formal diagnosis (other than ADHD) she doesn't qualify for a lot of the services that they are now trying to get.  

The whole conversation made me so thrilled with some of the choices we had made for Joe over the years.  We opted to send him to a rather large public school with a lot of support instead of a small private school like Tina attended.  He has done the work program through school and has been accepted into the vocational job placement program upon graduation.  He has participated in a volunteer program for the last few summers and was told by one of the volunteer sites that they were likely interested in hiring him after next summer if he worked that hard again.  We hope to enroll him in the community college in the fall and have him take a couple of classes to hopefully improve his future employ-ability.   In general, his outlook looks good.  Maybe he doesn't have a scholarship like some of his typical peers and maybe he isn't even going to attend a four year college, but he is happy, mostly trustworthy and generally a good kid who will most likely be gainfully employed within a few months of graduation.   

Overall, his future looks so much brighter than Tina's mainly because of his diagnosis and the choices that we made that got him the support he needed when he needed it.  There but for the grace of God go I ...