Several people made some reference to how I "inspire" them. Seriously? I feel like such a complete and utter failure as a parent. Some days (like today) I feel like the worst parent ever.
Today is yet another snow day for Alan. Other parents (although fewer with each subsequent snow fall) post about how they "get" a day off with their children but all I do is think about how having the boyz home will "ruin" my birthday.
DH texted me this morning about 10:30 and asked me if I was hiding from Alan. Yep, pretty much! Alan ALWAYS goes to lunch at 11 when he is home. Note: I said "goes" to lunch. We cannot stay home unless we want a meltdown. This kid has fast food at least two days a week (and usually more). I'm a failure as a nutritionist.
We make a stop on the way home to get a few things. Alan asks for a soda at Target and I ask Joe to go get it. He tells Alan to "Wait here" even though Alan likes to come with his big brother. Alan yells his battle cry and Joe gets frustrated. I'm a failure as a referee.
We get home and Alan wants to go play in the snow. I distract him with a video because I am sick to death of sitting outside while he sleds. I'm a failure as a companion.
Alan wants to snuggle with me in bed. I read and he watches his iPad. OK, maybe not the best mother/son bonding time, but we both like it. I guess I'm not the worst parent ever, but I still don't think I'm inspirational.
Then my sister sent me a birthday card that said "Birthdays are about celebrating life, love and longevity ... so the more you have, the happier you are!" I think that might be the point of today. Maybe I should just let my friends think I'm a better person/parent than I think I am. After all, only you know your worst flaws, right?
Oh my, Julie. I have such empathy for how you are feeling. I totally get it. How a snow day isn't just a snow day. How if you have to have a fight over a freaking chicken nugget one more time. How snuggling on the bed isn't as fun or comforting as it seems. I think you are a much better parent than you think you are.
ReplyDeleteBut it matters more how you are feeling and dealing. And for that I have this wish for you on your birthday: That you have a few hours of uninterrupted miniature time so you may recharge and celebrate your birthday how you would like.
Thanks, Kerri, I know you get it and I know some others do as well. It is just frustrating when people are telling you what a great job you are doing and yet you know you could/should be doing more. Sigh. Oh well, DH gets home soon and then I get to open my gifts! :-)
DeleteGET IT.
ReplyDeleteYou know, one thing I do think about, and it's Not "just" rationalization, is I will do more (be more "perfect," cook "perfect" food, inject my children with the perfect mix of culture, entertainment and enrichment) when I have more internal (and external, haha) resources. Some days are just muddling through and the more gentle you are with yourself the more chutzpah you will have tomorrow. Or that's how I reason...Being "inspiring" is a burden and who wants to be the pone who makes others feel less than? No, I read you because you are so REAL. Happy birthday to the real, whole, perfectly imperfect you!!!!
Um, didn't catch the "pone" typo - though I guess being a [corn]pone is kind of aspirational ;)
ReplyDeleteI meant "person"...
LOL Thanks FSM! There you go, I don't want people to feel inferior so that is why I don't want to be inspirational. Probably a lot of truth to that. The day got better! :-)
Deleteand you made mine better. this could be HUGE ;)
DeleteHappy Birthday!!!!! Sorry its a little late. My time is not my own lately. We are finally coming out of survival mode and entering the new normal. :) I do think you are a great mom. And your kids are great and they adore you. We all need space sometimes. That does not make us a bad parent. Just normal. :) Parenting is hard work and can be all consuming if we let it. May God bless your birthday week abundantly!!
ReplyDeleteLike everyone I have good days and bad. Sometimes I think I'm doing OK and other times I think I should be doing better. Unfortunately, my "I need to be better" day coincided with my birthday and that wasn't a good thing. The rest of the week has been pretty darn good! Hugs to you and your new little ones!
DeleteOh yes I totally get this - I've just been put on a list of inspirational women, and yet I mostly feel like a failure as a parent! I'm glad your birthday got better and I hope you got a bit of 'me' time later xx
ReplyDeleteLfBS, you are inspirational -- to other parents of special needs kiddos who need to know they are not alone! Like me you are not a failure, you are just muddling through day by day. Hugs.
DeleteAnd this is why YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION!!!! You have the nerve write all this stuff, stuff we are all feeling but don't have the nerve to say. I do the exact same things! I "snuggle" Dan to sleep with my iPhone close at hand, I dread vacations and days off, and on those weeks off, I feed him chocolate covered pretzels cuz its the only thing that keeps him quiet. We don't know what it's like to be parents of typical kids, this is what we know and how we survive and I think we are doing a damn good job! I love u. I know I have never met you but I do.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Nellie! I am glad when people get that I'm not someone they should want to be, but just someone muddling through the best she can.
DeleteAnd I don't feel inspirational as a sister, a mom or a person. Some days I get lucky and they all don't strike at the same time, but then again other days, wham, they do. Sorry to be the cause of so much angst on your bday of all days. Dirty trick getting snow on your day. Hope there hasn't been any more since then. Love you BUNCHES Little Sis ... and sorry this is so late. I don't blog much (at all) anymore.
ReplyDeleteYou were NOT the cause of angst -- you were what helped me snap out of it! Love you too!
DeleteI think we are in the same place! In fact, I've done the very same things you wrote about! Yesterday, Bethany was supposed to go out with her aide and Malcolm was taking kids back to college. I was supposed to have much coveted alone time- except that Bethany refused to go! Oh well, so much for me time! I guess if I've waited 13 years already I can wait a little longer!
ReplyDeleteHugs. I get it. Hope you get that alone time!
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